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  • Writer's pictureAnna Marie Boyd LPC, RDT, RYT-200

The Quest to Worthiness

Updated: Apr 19

Tomorrow is a big day. I cannot share why quite yet, but the anticipation has allowed me to reflect on my life journey. For years, I searched for approval in so many avenues. Beginning in my quest into DFW theatre, I remember the dopamine I would receive when I got the call that I was cast in a new show. Boom! Worthiness. Someone believed in me. Someone thought that I had what it took. I could share my updates with Facebook where the praise would continue. And do not misunderstand me, I am eternally grateful for everything and everyone that came with this quest. But it was all motivated by a search for meaning.

And theatre gave me so much more than a quick surge of worthiness, but I would be lying to you if I did not admit that this was the core motivation at the time- a motivation that I did not even realize fueled my passion. When I entered graduate school for drama therapy, I no longer had this outlet- and I was tested in ways that I could not have even imagined. Living in New York City, attending school that tested me mentally, physically and spiritually, I did not have the skills to cope with life that was about to hit me at full force. Enter bodybuilding.

Naturally, I gravitated from one stage to another. And this stage offered an even more challenging process. A process that would deteriorate my physical body and my internal spirit life. It made sense to me. I was in a stage of life where I was desperate for validation that I was in the right place. That I was going to be okay, and that I was ENOUGH for the world. I assumed proving myself in this way would finally give me what I was looking for in the external world.

While I was highly successful, my search for meaning hit another dead-end stop. I was left alone, malnourished, empty and in a state of suffering. On the outside, I had received my master's degree and placed multiple competitions. I was sponsored by a massive supplement brand and had trips flying all over the country to attend fitness expos. On the inside, I was crumbling deeper and deeper into this obsession with myself. With the obsession to feel WORTHY, and always came up short.

Enter Yoga. When I became so desperate for healing and relief, I found myself on a yoga mat in a wild studio that integrated 360-degree movie screens, led me through a journey of asanas, and most importantly, began to quiet my mind and improve my self awareness. Something needed to change. Or I would perish. Yoga allowed me the opportunity to reconnect to the Lord. To hear his quiet whispers about the way that I was living. It was gentle. It was good. It was loving, and it assured me that I must do whatever I need to do in order to heal. For the first time in my life, I felt ready. And I felt like I was enough. To come just as I was. Messiness and all. I realized that my quest for worthiness came from within. My destination was already available for me. I was created by the designer of the universe. Each and every one of us are, and our stories are living testimonies.

We cannot search for something that already lies within us. Regardless of how you feel today, understand that you have been uniquely designed. Your story is just beginning. Flow with me to embrace the messiness, the discomfort, the hard lessons. We must hold this truth within our hearts. I believe in you. We may not know one another, but I know that a fire is brewing within you. If you are searching for worthiness, start by considering if you have already arrived.

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